Then imagine the ball responding in increasingly unconvincing and physics-defying ways to the ridiculous speed, precision and trickery of each cherubic protagonist, throw a bucket of mud over the whole lot and sing 'What a load of bollocks!' from your imaginary dug-out. Here's the more elaborate, rent-paying version: Imagine, if you will, a game of four-a-side football played by six Cristiano Ronaldos outfield, and a pair of Rene Higuitas between the sticks at either end.

They're just not trying any more, are they? That said it does at least clarify rather succinctly what we're dealing with.